Where were you? Ko Lanta

After the almost deserted Ko Lipe we thought we were ready for a little more civilisation. From Pak Bara we took a bus to Trang and from there a bus/car ferry to Ko Lanta.






I admit I had been spoilt by the beauty of Ko Lipe and had only just arrived but my initial reaction was "It's a rather like Tenerife". "Give it a chance" TC replied.

The first calamity was our accommodation we had been very clear in requesting a twin room and were given a double. No problem, we were to spend one night there and were moved to a twin cottage the next day.

Our first night started well, we dined on red snapper and raw tuna salad at the fabulous Red Snapper. We then wandered off down the road to find some party people.

I believe the bar was called Opium, we chatted to the bar man cum diving instructor and sank a few g&ts. Eventually, the place began to fill up, we were absorbed into an international group of backpackers, encouraged to play pool and drank more g&ts.

I was chatting away to Klas (rhymes with glass), a cabinet maker from Sweden when I noticed I had misplaced TC. After a brief search, I found her curled up amongst the cushions in the garden sleeping like a baby, clearly the long day of travelling combined with the g&ts was just too much for her.

I took her home and continue to wonder and be amazed that I didn't kill us both! With the aid of my mini Maglite I negotiated the dirt path and the perilous network of raised walkways between the cottages.





Supporting both her and my druken mass I may actually be a superhero.

The next day started unwell as we both suffered the effects of our excesses. After breakfast, several liters of water/coke and watching Slumdog Millionare in Thai we began to feel better and ventured out to the beach.

I repeat, I admit I am besotted with Lipe and have eyes for no where else, what I saw made me want to weep. No powder white sand, instead a dirty beige grit arches along the coast for several kilometeres.

Starving we headed for the nearest bar. We sat in the midst of a huge impersonal beach hut. I looked at the menu and felt even more depressed, almost suicidal as I ordered a tuna baguette and chips.

After "lunch" we trekked along the beach. Benidorm, was all I could think. Unlike Benidorm Long Beach does not have endless, faceless highrise hotels. However, the atmosphere is the same, gone are the homely cottages replaced by identikit bungalows, some with hammock for a touch of authenticity. The cosy reggae bar is now a giant mockery serving bargain buckets at happy hour.

TC and I parked ourselves on a patch of sand, not difficult as there seems to be barely anyone here. We paddled, we joked and took photos of the sunset.




We remarked that the tide was coming in, then feeling the hunger pangs again we headed back. Calamity number 2, where we had entered the beach we had walked straight across a dry channel, neither of us remembered this. The tide had now come in filling it with what appeared to me to be white water rapids, we were trapped!

Now, anyone who knows me, will be well aware of my contempt for the sport of swimming. I can/will do it but only under duress or if needed to save my life. This was one such situation.

TC eyeing my discomfort/terror stepped up snapping me out of my trance like state and unflinching when I asked to hold her hand. The water was deeper than both of us had anticipated but slow moving. We arrived the other side safe and soaked through, laughing hysterically.

We had planned to dine on the beach but after our near death experience decided to stay on the main road. After perusing a few places we stopped at Mr Wee's Pizzeria.

Oh my Lord! First we chose a table but changed at the last minute when I noticed the filthy tablecloth. The new table was no better. Then came the music, Celine Dion.

Attempting to remain true to our inner Thai selves, we ordered, chicken noodle salad, yellow seafood curry and a side of vegetables in oyster sauce, sounds good, no? No!!!

TC picked unconvincingly at her salad, I gagged on my curry which had clearly been prepared with Patak's curry powder rather than a traditional gaang. To make matters worse I hushed TC and listened closely, not only were they playing Sea lion Dion but her greatest Christmas hits!!!! Blood began to pour from our ears as she wailed her way through Deck The Halls and a particularly disturbing version of the Ave Maria.

That's when I snapped, I drew breath and began a screeching monologue berating having ever left Ko Lipe to come here. Ko Lanta - go later, Ko Lanta - you don't wanta! TC tried to placate me pointing out that had we not come here, we wouldn't know that we didn't like it.

A little calmer, I conceeded to allow Ko Lanta to attempt to redeem itself.

The following day TC went out on a snorkelling trip and I was left to my own devices. I had a leisurely breakfast, hunted down some free wifi then headed to the beach.

I strolled along the seafront, found a shady spot under a tree, flung down my microfibre towel and browsed through my copy of CNN Traveller. Listening to Jose James, I got to thinking.

My family and friends have been wishing me well since my arrival in Thailand and are genuinely amused by my crazy adventures. Yet I have heard nothing from the one person you would think would be most interested and concerned as to my escapades and well being, the other person who was supposed to be here. Why not? Who knows, perhaps I shouldn't care, but I do.

That evening, TC and I headed to Thai Cuisine for dinner. A random French dude chose to buy us several glasses of wine and TC charmed the owner by asking for Thai lessons thus our dinner bill was greatly discounted.

We popped to a nearby bar for an after dinner tipple and were befriended by Mem, the crazy tomboy waitress from the Red Snapper and my new dancing partner.





Our last night in Ko Lanta wasn't so bad. However I had heard such good things about Ko Lanta, I wanted to like it but I was expecting more beauty and less tat.

Next stop, Ko Phi Phi.






- Posted from my iPhone

Where are you? Ko Lipe.

After the hubub of Bangkok we were ready for the beach. We left the big city on an express train travelling for 14 hours overnight in a first class cabin. The cabin slept two on a long seat that converted to bunk beds, dinner and drinks were served in the cabin.









On board the train there is a toilet at the end of every carriage. Before the trip I had researched the Thai water closet and was expecting at some point to come across the traditional squat toilet, however not this soon nor on a moving train! After peeing on my flip flops several times, I later discovered that when I had asked the steward where the toilet was, he had failed to mention that there were both a squat and western facility in the carriage. A mistake I was to make again at a later date although by this time my aim had improved!

After a rather pleasant journey we arrived in Trang a transit town in the south of the country. When I finally made it off the train with my pack, travelling companion (TC) had already procured us passage to our final destination, Ko Lipe, an island described as the Maldives of Thailand.

We were ushered into a car by a well dressed middle aged woman and driven to her nearby travel agency. She went through the different options and priced up the best tickets for us. I was struck by her familiar almost maternal manner. When she asked our names we replied and I asked hers, "Joy" she said. I gasped as TC mentioned that is in fact my mother's name and declared now I have a Thai mom. Joy gave me a big hug and sent us on our way.

Clutching our tickets we ambled off to grab some breakfast before taking a mini bus for 2 hours down to Pak Bara pier and then boarding a speedboat bound for the tiny island of Ko Lipe.









It turned out that this was not a direct service, in fact most passengers were on a day trip of island hopping. Lucky for us we were able to sample the delights of Ao Pante Malacca and Ko Khai along the way. At the latter, I leapt off the boat scattering the Greman and Japanese tourists, eager to set foot on my first Thai beach. Man, it was worth it, the water was crystal clear and the powder soft sand shimmered with pink flecks. I was overcome with joy and gratitude when I spotted an archway formed by the rocks further along the beach.









What can I say? Our home for the next 3 days is everything you could want from a tropical island. The shallow waters meant the speedboat had to dock off shore and we and our baggage were transferred to the beach by longtail boat, from where we had to haul them through the sand to reception.










There is nothing here, homely hotels made up of individual cottages are strung along the beach, competing reggae bars nestling amongst them. The Ko Lipe Walking Street acts as the "town centre", I use the term loosely, this one barely paved road offers a selection of travel agencies, restaurants, souvenir shops, dogs and forms the route towards the tsunami shelter.








After showering and donning a fabulous little dress which complemented my flip flops, de rigeur footwear in these parts! TC and I ventured along the beach and into town. I dined on the finest shrimp yellow curry I have ever eaten as TC was equally impressed with her chicken noodle salad.








Sated, we headed back to the beach and the reggae bar next door to our cottage. What's not to love? Seating is mats and cushions on the sand, the bass is pumping and the rum punch is flowing, bliss!

As for beauty treatments, there were no massages this time, instead I opted for a French pedicure to complement my tan and new toe ring.









Ko Lipe was an idyllic multicultural utopia with chow lair (sea gypsy) children flying kites running through the sand amongst the Japanese, English, German, French, Italian, Finnish... tourists. In this situation one may expect a particular national to live up to a negative stereotype or perhaps some rivalry. The only badly behaved were a group from Ibiza screaming and shouting, using their native language to insult traveller and local alike, disregarding local culture and customs. Having chosen to make Spain my home, I was visibly dismayed.










After 3 days of white sand, clear blue water, picture postcard sunsets and Bob Marley soundtrack I wanted to stay forever. However the lack of single men and abundance of mosquitoes meant it was time to move on.










TC and I packed up our stuff
(again) and boarded a longtail boat out to the platform then a very bumpy speedboat back to Pak Bara from there we will continue to Ko Lanta.

Ko Lipe will be a hard act to follow.

- Posted from my iPhone

Where am I? Bangkok.

Woohooo, oh my God, what was that, what is that, look at that, man, it's hot, tuk-tuks! Hmmm, noodles.... Singha!

Today (19 Jan 2010) after months of planning, heartache, heartbreak and panic attacks, I am finally here in nowhere near as scary as I thought, Bangkok.


I arrived in style on Emirates A380, despite my best outfit efforts I failed to secure SFU status but did however, arrive looking glam and unruffled, as commented by my new travelling companion.

My geekyness came to the fore having purposely booked a later connection from Dubai in order to take the A380. I had arrived in DXB, with a nearly broken back as my tiny frame would not adhere to the seat comfort design on the 777. From my window I spied my latest crush, I proceeded to sprint off the aircraft leaving old people and small children reeling in my wake, had a quick refresh, scored 200 Malboro menthol for 11€, checked out the free wifi, grabbed a free copy of CNN Traveller and as I entered into the holding lounge, marvelled at the amount of quite frankly potato faced Germans on my flight.

After what seemed an eternity and 20 million trips to the loo, following my desperate attempt to remain hydrated and beautiful on my previous flight, it may well be the right thing to do but my bladder begs to differ, we finally boarded. They board it by zones, by the way.

I parked my derrier next to the window at 55K.


I was sure that I had once read that Emirates were providing inflight wifi for it's First & Business cabins, yes, I do read this stuff and I'm passing it on to you in the hope that you may be converted! I promptly whipped out my trusty iPhone, lo and behold I had a wifi connection, transfixed, I Facebooked, I used Skype to text my mother, forgetting it was 02:00 UK time, but hey!!!


I continued in this vein for sometime pondering the possibility of remaining onboard for ever when my marriage in geek heaven was rudely anulled. The aircraft doors had been closed, to my chagrin the wifi had infact been coming from within the terminal building.

Meanwhile, I had failed to notice I had been joined by two particularly tubular vegetable faced German men, I was notified of their arrival by the stench as the one with the especially bulbous nose removed his shoes. Good Lord, this is the A380, have you no respect, man??!!!!




My first evening in Bangkok was spent drinking my own body weight in Singah beer and catching up on the many years that have passed since meeting my travelling companion at university. Somewhat inebriated we stumbled up to the infamous Khaosan Road and filled our faces with chilli noodles.

The next day was spent wandering around in a dense fog of jetlag and the smog of downtown Bangkok. What little pavement there is is rammed full of food vendors and stalls selling bras, batteries or other such nick nacks. The smells eminating from the former ranged from the sublime, interesting and downright rank!




In the evening after consulting our Rough Lonely Guide Planet, we ventured out on our first tuk-tuk ride.


This is no mean feat, if you're lucky enough to find a driver who knows where you want to go, do not be fooled as more likely they may not take you there, in our case it took 3 Thai men, 2 English girls and a map to finally get us on our way. We lurched through the city streets, the wind in our hair and oohing and ahhing at shiny temples.

The driver dropped us off without detour to craft market or some other such tourist trap, bonus. However, we had failed to bring the map with us, unperturbed we marched off in the general direction indicated by the driver. We were promptly disorientated, all was not lost, we spied a police station across the street.

Fortunately, I had written the address down and used this to explain our predicament to the bemused police chief behind the desk, he smiled and called his colleague over to assist us, when that failed, a further 2 officers were consulted. Visibly disappointed and concerned for our wellbeing, the senior officer decided there was only one thing for it, he unlocked the drawer in his desk, this was greeted with hushed silence, for inside was the red telephone!!!!! He dialled the hotline, spoke rapidly into the receiver, glanced around nervously then handed it to me. Feeling like I'd just stepped on to the set of a James Bond movie, I half expected President Obama to be on the other end. Using my best teacher voice I answered the lady on the other end's questions thus, "We are lost, no nothing has happened to us, no, we didn't lose anything, we're just lost." "Oh." was all she said.

I handed the receiver back to the officer, he spoke to the lady for a moment then, crestfallen he looked at as his younger colleagues and shook his head as one of them explained they were sorry but couldn't help us. Bemused, we left the police station and hailed another tuk-tuk to take us back to Khaosan.

The next day there were the massages, first a jetlag busting 2hr Thai massage followed by barely 10 minutes of the fish massage after I had to run away crying for my mommy!

We then leisurely mooched around the area, taking a seat on the terrace of a bar on Khaosan Rd. For ages I had wanted to have a Thai "bucket" of my favourite tipple and we eagarly ordered a bucket of mojito. Imagine my disappointment when this turned out to be not a mop bucket but merely a comedy bucket the size of the minis back in Madrid (1 litre).

We whiled away the time people watching when suddenly there was a flurry of excitement as a group of journalists ran down the street jostling eachother for the best spot.

First came a marching band with banner proclaiming they were fundraising for Haiti then a troup of mounted policemen.


One of the horses did a big poo in the middle of the street and just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I turned to my left, looked down the street and there lumbering towards us were 3 elephants!


For a moment I was speechless, the table we had sat at was perched precariously on the curb which meant we had a front row view. I turned to my companion and cried, "Elephants!!" and waved my hand in the general direction. The creatures from a sanctury had been painted with a message of support for the victims of the tragedy in Haiti. The photographers and TV crews to our right went wild causing the procession to stop right in front of us. To our delight, waving a basket for donations in his trunk, the lead animal began to joke and peform tricks as more & more people reached for coins and notes.



All of this was caught on camera by myself and the professionals.




That evening, thankful that I had packed my heels, my travelling companion (TC) treated me to dinner, drinks and dancing at the Bed Supper Club. This all white interior, minimalist bar and restaurant is the place for Bangkok's beautiful people to hang out, the smoking terrace is sponsored by Moet, enough said! I thouroughly enjoyed the crayfish followed by seafood bisque and strawberry & star anise crepe along with the tasting wines. Later on I also liked the g&ts, French boys, the Cameroon male model and tearing up the dancefloor with the dj's girlfriend. At the end of the night, high on life, we grabbed one of the waiting tuk-tuks outside. To our squealing delight he proceeded to crank up the tunes on his tinny radio whilst doing wheelies and gangsta bouncing the tiny vehicle, racing his fellow drivers at traffic lights. Meanwhile my travelling companion's hair was buffeted into a glam rock dream.

When we finally arrived home giggling like school girls, TC and I immediately logged into our free wifi for essential Facebook and Twitter updates. I went to the loo, whilst in there I heard TC let out a howl of amusement. I rushed out to find her hysterical and pointing at the screen of her electronic device. "What?" I asked, "You" she replied through unstifled peals of laughter. I looked at the screen and there was a Reuteurs news channel Youtube video paused, I could see the aforementioned elephant and to his left was, me!

The next day we went for pre travelling massage at our now favourite salon. I, having some issues with stress and tension opted for a neck, back and shoulder massage. As the young lady pummelled my weary body all of the stresses and lows of the past months leading up the trip came to the fore. I groaned in agony as my muscles were beaten out of contraction and my back was cracked back into a straight position. When I emerged from the torture, there was a hushed but friendly silence. I was handed a very welcome cup of tea. As I sat down now aware of the tears in my eyes TC asked if I was ok, "No" I replied. As my muscles had screamed and moaned so my mind had revised the reasons that had caused them to become so twisted and mangled. The girls in the salon looked at me in a way that showed they had seen it all before, it was normal. Thai massage can ease your mind as well as your body.

Battered and bruised I limped back to our hostel and had a coffee before piling us and all our crap into the back of a pink taxi which took us to Hualamphong (umpaloompa!) station. Honestly, you'd expect the driver of a pink taxi to be a tad chirpier!





Many predictions were made and speculated as to what crazy events and freak accidents may befall me on this trip, so far I have suffered from elephantitis in my right hand, TC burnt her elbow with some chilli and I have appeared on the news, who knows what else is waiting for me along the way!




- Posted from my iPhone

I am a danger to.... myself!

2010, a new year, a new me! Well not really a whole new me, merely a revised version of the old one, but it’s all good. 

2009 was a rather calamitous year for me and no doubt 2010 will be a year of continued “freak accidents”. A phrase originally coined by my father typically to be utilised after breaking another of my mother’s crystal glasses, falling off a ladder or getting drunk and tripping over the two dwarf ferns in the middle of the lawn (shortly after this episode, he dug them out).

Like my father it would seem I was born under the star of chaos with calamity rising in my lower chakra. Most recently, during the last week of the decade, home alone, I was beset by a “freak accident”. In this particular quandary I was trapped in the shower whilst the shower screen decided to fix itself in the closed position. What do you do? Call for help? I don’t think Pilar, the concierge would be too happy to fish my naked ass out of the shower. No, instead I dismantled the whole thing and climbed to safety. I am after all a carpenter’s daughter, even if I seem to have inherited the “freak accident” gene from him.

Living alone is not a concept alien to me having lived alone in the UK for over 4 years. That’s four years of solitary dire straits. I am a pescatarian, and one evening I was resplendent in my city centre apartment taking my fill of a fishy feast, minding my own business when a big ol’ salmon bone stuck in my throat. What to do?! Don’t panic!!! 

Ordinarily you would hit the person on the back or perhaps attempt the Heimlich maneuver, wait, there’s only me here! Whilst wheezing and rasping and going through the options in my mind, it occurred to me that every room has four walls! With that, I promptly flung myself against the wall, didn’t work the first time, tried it again nearly breaking my collar bone in the process, but hey presto! The bone was dislodged.

I called my mother (Joy) to regale her with the tale of my latest incident. “Oh dear” was all she said, in the low monotonous tone of a mother who is tired of hearing of yet another of her first born’s near death experiences.

On my upcoming trip, I’ll be putting myself in the way of all kinds of foreign danger, lets see if I manage to make it there and back in one piece!